The Business of Love

With the Bachelorette having chosen her husband to be, I know many of us are thinking of love (at least me anyway) and what that really is.  Is love just tingly butterflies in your stomach or the sense of security and stability you feel when you’re with that special someone?  Or just a jumble of negotiations?  Is there a business of love?  Take a look at this quote from Alfred Hitchcook’s film Rich & Strange.

 

“Love is a very difficult business…it makes everything difficult and dangerous. I don’t think love makes people brave like they say it does in books. I think it makes them timid. I think it makes them frightened when they’re happy and saddened when they’re sad. Everything is multiplied by two; sickness, death, the future…it all means so much.”

What do you think?

Tyra’s Black Women’s Summit

 

Emmy winning, Tyra Banks from The Tyra Banks Show.

This afternoon the Tyra Banks show re-aired an episode of her first annual summit for Black women.  One of the most controversial topics being relationships.  This episode featured a panel of contributors consisting of black gay males, heterosexual interracial couples and single black men.  One of the most striking things said on the show was that one woman stated that she was having trouble meeting black men because of a few simple facts:  that black men are either insecure about being with a strong black woman, gay, married or already has children.  To me, these sound like reasons any person might be having difficulty looking for a partner.  One woman, an editor for Essence magazine (Angela Burt-Murray) even had the audacity to say that women of other races are taking “our men.”  That is another post in itself.

Now, I’ll address what some of these women were saying about their dating lives:

1.  Black men are scared of a strong black woman.

The truth is Black men are scared of scary women!  There is a lot to examine, and I think that one of the things we need to consider here is the idea of strength in black consciousness.  Because of the harsh oppression that African Americans have faced there is an inherent need to overcome, unite and be very strong.  While I can certainly recognize the significance of this need, I also believe there is a trend in the Black community to overcompensate for the painful past.  This manifests itself in one very prominent archetype, the independent Black woman who doesn’t ”need a man,” and I think what we see here is, in an effort to be strong, we see Black women act impulsively in disagreements and speak of their independence day in and day out.  I can certainly recognize the benefit here, but one of the byproducts of this epidemic is for Black women to continue to be seen as negative and with a lot of attitude.  Black women don’t need to overcompensate here.  Be yourself, allow yourself to be vulnerable and emotional and then you can really allow another person to fall for you.  Stereotypes are meant to be broken.

2.  Black men are gay.

This idea stems from, what I believe, is a ethnic community’s rich history in Christianity and traditional religion.  The truth is that there are Black men who are gay, straight, bi and everywhere in between.  I think if the Black community really wants to practice a strong sense of unity, then there is a need to stop viewing any Black male who doesn’t fit the stereotypical Black male box as gay (and to stop seeing “gay” as wrong, in general).  I think is the most prominent reason why there are Black men on the “down low,” as they call it.  My advice:  restructure what masculinity means in the Black community to reflect honesty, truth and responsibility instead of the traditional gender role that currently prevails that only serves to limit us all.

3.  Most Black men are married.

This affects anyone who seeks to date a Black man, not just Black women.

4.  He already has kids.

I think this is also indicative of holding onto those rigid stereotypes of what it means to be a Black man or Black woman.  The media and personal experience have told us all over and over again that Black males are deadbeat dads, and that if a Black male is a father then there must be “baby’s mama” drama.  First, we need to let go of the term “baby’s mama,”  it is incredibly degrading to any woman who has a child with a father she is no longer with, how about…she’s the MOTHER of his child.  Second, there are tons of conflicts and arguments and discussions to be had when children are part of the picture whether the parents are together or not.  If you don’t want drama with the parent of your child, be a little more careful about who you choose to have sex with and have a baby with and don’t allow yourself to be susceptible to it.  Responsible fatherhood should be revered in any community, whether that man is with the mother of his child(ren) or not.  Black women, allow yourselves to begin to look at “non-traditional” and “single-parent” families as options too, there is nothing with them.

Real Love or Real Fake?

REALITY TELEVISON.  Mark Burnett (TV Producer) would like to say that he started it with Survivor, but for us fortunate enough to remember the first season of the Real World, we understand how well crafted and unoriginal a lot of ‘reality’ tv is today.  But one trend that has absolutely exploded in recent times has been the dating reality show.  Of course one of the most notable in this category was Flavor of Love with Flava Flav.  Fortunately, that show has finally ended.  Unfortunately, whether these people were being themselves or not, a byproduct of this show was that it showed America some really ignorant behavior from mostly people of color and I think it safe to say that was a disservice to us all.  I say all this knowing it was a guilty pleasure of mine.

                                  

This whole trend has also been marked by self-identified bisexual Tila Tequila.  My initial thoughts about this show were that it had a great gimmick and marketability, both MEN and WOMEN competing for the “love” of a woman.  GREAT, now we are seeing a fuller representation of sexuality in America.  But, now with A Shot at Love and Flavor of Love and their sequels, it all seems counter-intuitive to the idea of finding real love on a reality show and makes me question the real sincerity involved.  This brings me to, I Love New York and The Bachelorette.  With the exception of Tila’s show, it seems that all the women who have had these reality shows seem to develop serious relationships with their partners from the show.  Remember, Trista, the first bachelorette?  She’s married to the man she met on that show still and they have child together, with no apparents signs of a split.  Also, consider Tiffany from I Love New York, her show was mostly absolute hilarity and foolishness, but last I heard she’s engaged to man she met on that show.

 

Now, with the new Bachelorette finale looming in the coming week, will DeAnna follow this trend of the women on reality dating shows maintaining a serious relationship?  But, what seems to be the greater issue is, what does this say about the representation of our men on those shows?  It seems sad to me, that there seems to be no record of a “bachelor” on one of these shows maintaining a serious relationship.  Is it possible that this specific sampling of men simply do not really seek the “love” they claim?  AND, are men being misrepresented here, all the while continually playing into our macho stereotypes?